Every day Beauty

One day, back in March, I walked out of a voice lesson and just couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the day was. The sunshine was glorious. The sky? Brilliantly blue. The temperature was cool and crisp. Warm enough to only wear a sweatshirt–my idea of perfect weather. I thought to myself “Wow! This is what it’s like to just simply enjoy life! Have I ever felt this way before?”

I immediately started some talk-to-text into a google doc so that I could keep driving myself home (or to wherever I had to go that day–probably a preschool pickup) to have my thoughts deciphered at a later date. Which is now. 

As I ponder this question, I think that there certainly has been a time or two (maybe more) where I have felt this way, but it was always fleeting. Always on vacation. Always in a natural setting, radically moved by the beauty surrounding me. Mountaintop moments. Never during ordinary life.

When I was teaching in a school full time, life always felt so hard. Vacations were all there was to look forward to. Not that every moment was torment, but the good, shiny moments always were dulled by the difficult ones. Life is still hard, but in this newfound freedom that is being self-employed, enjoying every day life seems to be so much easier. We get bombarded by phrases inspired to keep us “on the grind”. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” “Stick-to-it-ness,” or insert your favorite “just persevere" quote here. What all that ended up leading me to was being burnt out. Burn out is a place where you completely forget what it is to enjoy life. You forget completely that life can be enjoyable every day rather than on only special occasions.

Thinking about all of this made me realize how important time is in our lives. Time to breathe. Time to appreciate the little things. Time to feel gratitude. There is information coming from so many places telling us to do this or do that to prioritize yourself. Practice gratitude. Make time for yourself. Make time for your kids. Make time for your spouse. Make sure you do this, and this, and this, and be sure to check it off your list in order to become truly fulfilled. As if items on a checklist, and subsequently checking them off, will lead to fulfillment.

In actuality, if you’re thinking of life as a checklist, it’s not going to be fulfilling. If I graduate, and then get married, and then have kids, and then own this car and this house, then I’ll be fulfilled. All of that is a fallacy. Do those things, if they bring you true fulfillment, but not to just be checked off a list.

I have spent a lot of time in the past year thinking about how creating my schedule each week is a bit like playing the game Tetris (side note, I always thought that was a mildly difficult game–the ANXIETY of not fitting the pieces in the spot you meant for them to go!). Sometimes I get asked to do things and I want to say yes immediately–try to fit it in my schedule no matter what. Often I’ve started using whether or not it perfectly fits into a slot in my schedule as an indicator of whether or not I should say yes to an opportunity. Those moments feel a little magical. Like they are meant to be. It feels serendipitous that all of these things fit perfectly together. Some days I overprogram myself. Perfect fit, all the way, but exhausting. However, while I’m in the midst of the insane days I rarely feel exhausted. Life just feels fully lived. At the end of a long day, sure exhaustion sets in, but I generally feel like life is well lived rather than exhausting–which has not always been the case.

I can’t say that I am less busy now that I am not teaching full-time. I am still teaching in my studio, managing my kids’ schedules, and juggling accompanying jobs and my own professional development, aka voice lessons, and that’s just the daytime scheduling.

I still find it hard to find time for myself (especially during concert season when it’s constantly go, go, go!), but I’m learning to find those little pockets of time, even if it is just 30 minutes. Instead of trying to fill it with things like doing the dishes or folding laundry I force myself to recognize that for the next 30 minutes I’m just going to be. It is the only time I have for the next six hours (or whatever it may be). I’ll just sit here and think or read or play a game with my kids.

It feels incredibly ironic that the most devastating and traumatic moment in my life to date has turned out to be one of the biggest blessings. It made me stop and prioritize my life. Think about what matters most, where my impact is best served, and has filled me with true gratitude. Not a practice on a checklist to check off for the day, but to truly feel gratitude. I always would try to be grateful for all of life’s blessings in the “before” time, but upon reflection I’m not certain I was ever truly feeling it. As a highly sensitive person, that inability to connect to my emotions was more harmful than anything. My ability to see and feel all of these things has been life-changing. I had previously always been trying to achieve certain goals or follow this planned trajectory that I thought I was meant for, knowing the journey is often the point. But without the freedom to allow your goals and priorities to change, and realizing they don’t have to be fixed, is truly freeing.

I spent the last decade despising my commute because it was something I HAD to do every day. A guaranteed hour–sometimes two–in the car no matter what. Now, I regularly feel happy to be able to drive to the next job or rehearsal or lesson because I feel like I'm living life how it is meant to be.

Part of that, for me, was accepting that the future is unknown and that despite any careful planning, strategizing, or goal planning, we can’t predict what may dramatically alter the course of our life. Leaning into that uncertainty can actually make life better! That sounds scary, and in some instances it is, but it can also be quite liberating. There is so much magic in life, but there are also a lot of things to be terrified of. Embrace the fact that the only thing you can control in your life is you and your choices. How you choose to live your life. How you choose to present yourself to the world. How you choose to love others. Choosing a life based on that purpose and in the service of others leads to so much more beauty.

I’ve also realized that is the ultimate goal of parenting: Teaching your children to love and care for those around them. Living a life overflowing with love leads to an influx of love into your own life. It’s beautiful. It’s heart-warming. That’s it.

It also feels so fitting that even though I began this bit of writing in the bowels of early spring, that just this morning, fully immersed in winter, as I drove away from home I marveled at the beauty of the frost on the trees. Still recognizing random moments of daily beauty. The Christmas lights. My kids singing in the car. Students getting excited to practice Christmas music. The holidays are always a beautiful time to be alive. The Christmas lights, the music, the feeling of togetherness, the gift-giving–everything screams Love to me. That’s the best gift in so many ways. A reminder to slow down, get cozy, and spend some time loving: your family, your kids, your job, the beauty around you, your life. There is so much beauty in life to appreciate and enjoy. Spend a little time finding and savoring it this week. I know I will be.