Rejection

Rejection is incredibly difficult to deal with. Especially when you don’t expect it. Especially when the feedback you get is “we think you’re better suited to the college level”. Especially when it was a dream job with the colleagues of your dreams. Especially when you’ve already built relationships with the students and the music staff.

What hurts the most is the dashed dreams of it all. I applied because of all of the wonderful would-be colleagues. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to return to the classroom at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I desired it. Then I subbed at the middle school and saw all that was to come and was IN. I could feel their energy and see and hear their talent and knew I could make something extraordinary here. The more I thought about that, the more I desired to build relationships with a choir again, to direct, to choose repertoire, to plan concerts…the list goes on. I let myself believe this was the place and position for me. That I had found the school community where I belonged. Where I would be valued. Where my work would be appreciated. 

I had started making repertoire lists. I had started planning ways to connect with the middle schoolers and recruit. I had let myself imagine how wonderful it would be to work with the incredible teachers already there. I had even imagined hosting all these new colleague-friends and their families at our home to get to know everyone better.

All those dreams dashed by a phone call.

“I have the difficult job of letting you know we are going in a different direction” or something like that…It’s hard to remember the exact words because I felt so deeply so instantly.

The shock hit. Fight, flight, freeze? I froze. The world I had imagined for myself imploded in the span of a few seconds. 

But I was sitting in a coffee shop, because I was so certain today was going to be a good day and that I would receive the best news. The news that even my own children wanted for me: that I got the job. That I’d get to help make this program into one I wanted my children to be a part of.

But I didn’t get the job.

I was told they “think I’m more suited to a college position”. That I’d be better in a job I don’t even want? That doesn’t feel to be accessible to me. 

So what now?

I sat there in the coffee shop in complete disbelief. I was enjoying a delicious muffin and latte. I had lost my appetite. The muffin lost its flavor. I knew I needed to get out of there and take a moment to mourn.

So my good day turned. Hard. I finished the now flavorless latte, threw away the muffin, and packed up my things. Then I sat in my car for a moment to just feel. To mourn.

I messaged all the family and friends I felt I needed to tell, who had been hopeful with me. Who had helped me open myself up to these dreams.

And drove to the school I thought would be my new home to accompany the choir I thought would be mine next year for the concert tomorrow. Knowing that these students were also hoping it would be me standing in front of them next year.

I went through the motions, feeling the depression settling in. 

Today I am sad. 

Because being rejected just sucks. 

Because opening yourself up and letting yourself dream to only have them dashed sucks. 

So today I am taking a moment and kind of agreeing with Nietzsche that hope is maybe the worst of all of the evils (referring to Pandora’s box, in Greek Mythology).

I’m not even able to look on the bright side. Not even a little bit. Not today. 

Maybe tomorrow.